In which I take a reckoning.
As of today, I have three months left on my list. I’ve been very torn on my 101 this cycle. I read through it and think that I still care about the individual items. I think that I need this calling card from my pre-kid self to help me get in touch with my post-kid self. But I’ve had a hard time prioritizing myself in much more basic ways than pursuing these somewhat arbitrary goals.
As of Saturday, my son is two years old. He is sweet, happy, and active. And exhausting. I started my first 101 way back when to challenge myself, and this kid is a big challenge. So having this list of further challenges has often felt like one more thing. Like I’m still not good enough, or adult enough, or happy enough. All three-o’clock-in-the-morning concepts that I’ve had trouble with over the past few years, drained to the dregs and wondering how I’m possibly going to get it together for tomorrow.
As of January, I intend to start a new 101 list. It will be my fourth. I have no idea yet what it will look like, but I am recommitting now to the idea that there is no failure in the 101. I assume that from now on, the number of completions will get less list by list. The breadth of the goals will narrow. But the core idea – that I can influence how I spend my time in the future, that I can remind myself some things that are interesting or important, that I can encourage myself to make time no matter what challenges I’m facing – has value.
I don’t know how many goals I’ll complete on this list, but I know that I’ve worked on a lot more than I’ve talked about here. So I’ll spend the next three months working on this list without guilt. If the lists themselves are a snapshot of who I want to be, the rate of completion is nothing more than a snapshot of what life was like these three years. Messy, unorganized, challenging. Worthwhile.